Suffering, Self and my God
February 2, 2010
I’ve been ill for the past three weeks, with ten days of a virulent stomach virus that left me 17 lbs lighter and depressingly weakened followed by eleven days of recovery that looks only slighter better than the illness itself. I can barely walk, barely eat and barely sleep without nightmares and discomfort. My world has shrunken into three-hour periods of eating a small meal of dry toast, banana, yogurt or scrambled eggs and then trying to digest it without feeling totally awful.
As most of you know I fell ill on the last day of a week-long seminary class on Systematic Theology. Our assignment is to write a couple of two page papers and a ten page theology paper on any topic we wish. I’ve decided to choose “Suffering” as my subject.
Three weeks of suffering, of losing all the major joys in my life. For three weeks I’ve been unable to “be” a good husband, to “be” a good friend, to “do” my work, and even to “be” my normal self. The places where I normally enjoy living out my identity have been unexpectedly ripped away and I’ve been slowly coming to grips with the idea that perhaps I find too much identity in these relationships and roles. I feel God asked me this morning if it was enough that I have been left with only my relationship to Him for these past three weeks. If it would be enough to find peace knowing my identity hasn’t changed despite my circumstances.
I love “being” a good and caring husband to Bethany. I find great satisfaction in trying to live out my love for her in tangible ways. I love that I have many great friends who love and respect me. I find great joy in playing, talking, and striving with my friends. I love what I “do” as a vocation and I delight in being able to do it everyday. I even like myself, I’m normally comfortable just being with my own thoughts, waking up full of energy and interest in what today will offer. But for three weeks these have been profoundly reduced if not completely removed from me. And I find myself asking the question: “is it enough that God loves me and I’m still intrinsically the same person even if I can’t display it tangibly?”
All of the things I listed above are wonderous gifts from God that I derive great pleasure and satisfaction from. But they are only gifts, only blessings from my God and as such I need to learn to enjoy them when He gives them but not gain my identity from them.
I’m still ill, I’m still feeling awful and I would love to be healthy sooner than later. But I know my identity is secure. I am His and He is mine!
Truly my God can do anything! I’d value your prayers for my healing but I think this will end when the purpose for it has been accomplished.
